I don’t know where to start. As time ticks on, I dig myself into a deeper hole. I’ve been lost for a year. I honestly don’t know what am I doing. If everything went right, I was suppose to enjoy my last semester, suppose to look forward to graduation, and suppose to get into grad school. But somewhere down the line, I deviated and screwed up. Along that deviation, I did things to keep myself busy. I became an officer for an outstanding organization. It made us accomplished goals under teamwork and leadership. It gave me an opportunity to see things in a new perspective. And it came along with benefits.

With that being over, I was still lost. I didn’t have a definitive and clear future. I met a great amount of new people. Some became good friends. And a few became more. These past couple months have been nothing short of great. And I love it. But in the back of my mind, I question my future on how lost it is and it’s getting to me. My everything is stagnant, at a standstill. But everything else still moves on. I cant drag anyone with me through this stagnant period. It’ll be rough on me unless they choose to stand by my side. I’m going through a strange time right now. And I can only save myself. I’m too stubborn to ask for help. Maybe I don’t know how.

The only thing that has been and still is constant is my commitment to the gym. It has been going for a strong 6-7 months. That’s longer than any relationship I’ve been in. As my sessions end, the thought creeps back in and it slowly consumes me. I need to change my goals a bit and come to terms with reality. I just need to make that first step. To have a promising and decent future, I need to make moves and stop staying stagnant.

At the end of the day, all I have is myself. But once in awhile, there’s someone who provides that shoulder to lean on, that emotional comfort. And I dont want anything else but good times. I’m scared that I will be in too deep and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I lose. But eventually, it’ll all turn out fine. My mind is clouded by bullshit and doubt is the source. So I try to spend any time with full appreciation. But hey, things happen for a reason. Ultimately, the end goal is to be a self-sufficient good man with a good heart. I’m still trying to figure it out.